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Peter Douglas W
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Senior Member
Posts:443
Joined:Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:37 am
Location:Germany

#1 Post by Peter Douglas W » Wed Aug 17, 2005 4:23 pm

<strong>Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If is wasn\'t for Triumph
Our tools would be rust.</strong>
<B>My Saloon does not leak</B>... it is just marking its territory!
<B>bumper sticker: </B>\"All the parts falling off this car are of the finest British Workmanship\"
I\'ve got a two tone car ............ Black and Rust.
<B>Lucas Jokes</B>

<UL>
<LI>The Lucas motto: \"Get home before dark.\"
<LI>\"And the Lord said \'let there be light\'...Joseph Lucas replied \'no way, Lord, no way\'.\"
<LI>Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim \"sudden, unexpected darkness\".
<LI>Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
<LI>Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
<LI>The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF. The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.
<LI>The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.
<LI>\"I\'ve had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...\"
<LI>If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.
<LI>Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.
<LI>It\'s not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm\'s Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.
<LI>Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner \"How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?\" \"He replied, it doesn\'t matter which one you use, nothing happens!\"
<LI>Back in the \'70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn\'t suck.
<LI>Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.
<LI>Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.
<LI>Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.
<LI>Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting: \"Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.\"
<LI>Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.
<LI>Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.
<LI>In the 1980\'s Lucas tried to get into the newly burgeoning PC market, but they discontinued the product when they couldn make it leak oil.
<LI>Why are there no skyscrpers in London? Lucas makes elevators
<LI>Lucas Factory motto, put in a good day\'s work then home before dark.
<LI>Why is there no death penalty in England? Lucas makes electric chairs.</LI></UL>
<H2>Used Car Buyers Guide : The Reality</H2>
<P>MUST SELL...before it blows up.
RUNS FINE...I was going to say \"runs beautifully\" but I had a last minute conscience attack.
NEEDS SOME BODY WORK...was blindsided by a Caravan.
WELL MAINTAINED...I changed the oil occasionally.
LOOKS LIKE NEW...just don\'t try to drive it anywhere.
ALL ORIGINAL...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
LOADED WITH OPTIONS...each one more troublesome than the next.
NEVER SMOKED IN...unfortunately, that\'s the best thing I can say about it.
PROJECT CAR...doesn\'t run.
LOTS OF POTENTIAL...doesn\'t run.
NEEDS MINOR REPAIR...doesn\'t run.

Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.

Minor Rust - Don\'t sit down!

Minor Rust - Major rust you can’t see.

Low Mileage - Only 170,000.

Convertible - After driving under truck.

Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.

Alarm - Wires are cut to sell stolen.

Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.

Needs Paint - To cover rust.

New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.

Fully Loaded - Seller is too.

All Options - 8-track player.

Only 59,000 Miles - Well actually 359,000 miles but the clock doesn\'t show the 300,000.

Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.

Must Sell - Before the police find the owner.

Must Sell - Need bail money.

Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.

Summer Fun - Won\'t make it to autumn.

Reliable - Don\'t leave the neighbourhood.

Daily Driver - 400 miles a day.

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.

Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased and steam cleaned to look it.

Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.

Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.

4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.

Hurry, Won\'t Last - Neither will car.

New Tyres - Retreads years ago.

Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.

Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.

Car Cover - To help keep out rats.

Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.

Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.

Fully Restored - Nothing original.

Tax Till Next Year - Stolen tax disc.

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